Are you living the life you chose, or are you living the life that chose you?

 

1.What did you do in 2019 that you’d never done before?
Went freelance, wrote about drugs and treatment and addiction and recovery, spent the summer with the boys

2.Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I’m sure it was the usual clichés: lose weight, spend less time on my phone (damn you, Facebook! I wish I knew how to quit you!), grow a little garden, find an interesting hobby, be more informed about current events. I did not lose weight • I probably spent MORE time on my phone • the garden is fantastic • I’m just kidding about that • the garden is imaginary • and my hobbies are still what they’ve always been. The last one, however, I DID accomplish, or at least tried to.

3. Did anyone close to you die?
My problems were instantly put into perspective after receiving a text from one of my best friends before Christmas that her otherwise vibrant, colorful, playful, confident and loving German mama had a stroke caused by a dissection of the aorta involving the carotid artery and was given “hours to a day” to live. My friend is really more like a sister to me and I’ve loved her mom since the first elementary school sleepover party. When her mom’s breathing became more erratic and it was painfully clear that the end was near, K texted the string sisters four little words: “I’m just so sad.” Her pain collectively became our own. How do you do life without your mom? 

One day her mom was feeling alright, sending Christmas cards, shopping, planning a traditional German dinner for the holidays; the next she was in the “country of no return.” Rather than feeling celebratory over the holidays, K and her family hosted a funeral on what would have been her mom’s birthday. (Do you host a funeral? I don’t know what the PC term is. Hosting seems too much like entertaining. Maybe “holding” a funeral is the more accurate term.) At the funeral, there were tears and red eyes, but also funny memories and touching stories and a resounding theme of love. She passed on valuable lessons about kindness and tolerance and being unapologetically, uniquely you (German traditions and all!) to her kids, her grandkids, and her great grandkids. She lived her life to the very fullest, loving hard and loving well. Isn’t that how we all want to be remembered?    

  

4. Did anyone close to you have a child?
Kelly had D on Feb. 6. I haven’t been that excited for the arrival of a Wee One since my nephew was born. 

5. Where did you travel?
In January, Aaron and I traveled to Mexico for our good friends’ wedding, a little off-the-grid surfer town north of Puerto Vallarta. We planned and anticipated that getaway for months. 

On a snowy January morning, we parked our car in Minneapolis at Jeremy and Mandy’s place and the four of us caught a cab to the airport. It’s kind of crazy to think that you can wake up in one country and it’s 10 degrees, snow as far as the eye can see, everyone all bundled up … and go to bed in another country and it’s 80, lush greenery as far as the eye can see, everyone NOT all bundled up. I couldn’t wait to escape the snow and cold. The lines at MSP were craaaazy long but all-in-all our flight was uneventful. The more I fly, the less terrifying it becomes. I was even relaxed enough to read a book.

After arriving in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico (palm trees! Green grass! SUNSHINE!), we figured out where our pre-arranged taxi was parked and asked our English-speaking driver if he’d kindly stop so we could buy groceries. I tried asking an employee where the salsa was, only to be met with a look of complete and utter confusion. I thought salsa was INVENTED in Mexico, for pete’s sake! (Then again, in college I thought people in Spain ate tacos.) “Chips, tomatoes, dip” … nothin’. I even tried to act it out, like charades. The poor employee had to find another coworker to deal with me. In retrospect, maybe I should have asked for pico de gallo. We stocked up on Mexican beer and wine and snacks (salsa included) and we were ready to roll. Bring on vacation!

Once on the narrow, bumpy streets of town, our driver took us up, and up, and up, and up some more. Our house—nicknamed Casa Selva y Sol, aka “Jungle and Sun,” by its owners—was on a steep, winding hill. And I mean STEEP. We wondered if we should have rented a golf cart to get to town and back. (We didn’t.) We figured it would be a good lung-busting climb. We’d probably need the exercise, right?

The open-air house was similar to the online photos, just really, really, really pretty. And those views! Because we were in an affluent neighborhood, we were informed by the homeowner that “this is a town of opportunistic crime. If a thief sees something in the house that he wants, he will try to break in. Keep everything of interest out of sight or locked in the safe.” Aaron and I had the bottom walkout bedroom, next to the pool. We were instructed to lock our gates when out of the house or sleeping. It was a little unnerving, but the bars on our door and heavy-duty lock made us feel protected. Maybe our years of living on the East Side had been preparing us for moments like this.

After we got settled in at the house and locked up our goods, we joined throngs of tourists in the colorful town. Jeremy had been there before and was shocked at how much the city had changed. I didn’t mind the crowds. I was reveling in the fact that I could feel the sunshine on my bare (and pale) arms and legs and it felt glorious. Locals—little kids and adults—peddled their wares. The ocean stretched out before us. As we were eating chips and guac al fresco, one barefoot little girl approached us with her toys, we shook our heads no, then she looked right at me and announced, “I need yo money, lady!” We all laughed and—because Mandy liked her chutzpah—gave in and bought a little painted dog. We ate, we drank, we laughed, we soaked in the sunshine. It was our first kid-free vacation since the last time Aaron and I had been in Mexico together and we were psyched. This was a completely different trip than when we stayed at an all-inclusive resort in Riviera Maya, not far from Cancun, in 2015.

Other than a stream in town that we dubbed “poo river” because of its color and sewage stench (there was a wooden plank across the murky water so you wouldn’t have to walk in it), and the fact that the ATMs weren’t working (thankfully we had exchanged our cash for pesos before arriving), we liked the overall laidback vibe of the town. It was maybe a little too authentic for me and Aaron—true gringos—but was still exciting to experience a place so different from home. We felt adventurous. 

On the second day we were there, we shopped at the street market during the day and went to the welcome dinner that evening for margaritas and tacos. It still felt a little surreal to be wearing a sundress on a sandy beach in January. As we chatted with others, we learned that a few people in the wedding group had gotten sick a day or two prior (the bride and groom-to-be among them). After a trip to the local hospital for IVs, they were able to rally. “The Sickness” became a hot topic of discussion. Was it something they ate? Was it something they drank? Did someone get sick and spread it to the others? Even with a few people catching whatever it was that was going around, it was hard to deny that this city was a beautiful spot for a January wedding. 

The next day, “The Sickness” struck our little vacation rental. Jeremy was down and out. He mostly wanted to stay close to the bathroom (and sleep), so Mandy, Aaron and I walked into town for breakfast and to check out a beach nearby—we heard it was less crowded than the main beach. After walking to the beach and doing a little water-wading and people-watching, we explored. At the top of a nearby hill was the most amazing cemetery I have ever seen. And may ever see in my lifetime. It was so colorful and so festive, more like a playground than a place to bury the dead. I wasn’t sure if we were supposed to be taking photos (seemed disrespectful?), so we didn’t. So many cultural differences … it was a reminder of just how small we are in this big world. 

After exploring, we returned to the house where we relaxed by the pool, drank beer, and talked. Jeremy was still fighting whatever it was that seemed to find the locals ... so stayed in his room. Mandy and I had bonded during our untimely unemployment (is unemployment ever timely?) and now she was at a crossroads in her career. Aaron gave her some sound advice. He’s good at that. 

We listened to music. We admired our pedicures. We showered and got ready for the wedding, held at an open-air venue overlooking the ocean and village below. (Attire = Bohemian chic.) Aaron nailed the chic theme in his khakis and fancy white linen shirt and I might be biased, but hoo boy did he look CALIENTE. How did I get so lucky?!

Poor Jeremy tried to rally and just couldn’t do it. I wondered how many other friends would have to miss the wedding. (We had traveled so far!) Our foursome would have to be a threesome, at least until he recovered. 

After waiting and waiting for our cab in the blazing sun, we arrived to a beautiful spot overlooking the ocean. The weather was cooperating. There were at least 50 gringos in attendance.  

The bride, on any day, is naturally stunning. She was extra gorgeous that day. The handsome groom looked straight out of GQ. There were so many authentic Mexican touches (I mean, there was a donkey there!) that you never, for a minute, forgot that you were far from the United States. It was all so incredibly romantic.

I had made the couple a slideshow and they played it during the reception. I was so worried that I’d leave someone important out, but if I did, they never mentioned it. They were so appreciative, even thanking me in front of the crowd. (blushing) Their friends and family were welcoming and fun. When you’re a person who loves love and you’re in love and at a wedding where you genuinely support the people getting married, it’s hard not to get caught up in those gushy feelings and feel happy and lucky in love, too. Aaron and I danced and danced and danced. (We were so sweaty!!) Once the wedding ended, a group of us went out to a bar in town to keep the party going.

Once we got back to our rental house, it wasn’t long before I got really, really sick. Aaron got sick, too. ((And, as it turns out, nearly everyone else in the wedding group.)) I love my friends and don’t want to focus too much on the negative—they feel guilty enough—but our trip ended that night. (Aaron was taking antibiotics for something and didn’t get AS sick as I did, just really tired. Me? I have never been so sick in all my life. We did not drink the water, we did not have any drinks with ice, we did not swim in the ocean.) Once we were back home, I did some research and learned that the sleepy little surfer town couldn’t support an influx of tourists and outgrew its current sewage treatment plant ... with poo river likely contaminating the ocean along the shoreline. Whatever it was, e.coli/norovirus or a water-borne bacteria, “The Sickness” is no joke. (I wish I had known to take probiotics and activated charcoal before going.) 

In other travel-related news:

In June, we spent a weekend at a campground in Chippewa Falls for a family reunion with my dad’s side, who we see maybe once every other year. We kicked off the weekend with a stop at the Leinie Lodge. When we woke up Saturday, OMG it was SO HOT. I think it got into the 90s … sticky, drippy, sweaty weather. No air conditioning. We were all melting in the picnic pavilion, but at least the catered food was good. 

Relatives traveled from Florida, California, Illinois, Minnesota, and Wisconsin and probably other places, too. It was fun reconnecting. My dad was definitely in his element that afternoon, chatting with family and comparing old photos and branches on family trees. My college friend Angie and her boyfriend Mike joined us at our campsite both nights, since they basically live across the lake from where we were. I don’t get to see her as often as I’d like, so it was an awesome bonus. 

In August, my extended family took a road trip to South Dakota and Wyoming—12 of us in three cars. We stayed at a Wild West-themed house near Deadwood, which may or may not have been haunted ... and that wasn’t even the worst of our troubles. Our bedroom suffered from Leaky Ceiling Syndrome. When we walked in, a super classy bucket on the floor was catching the drip-drip-drip-drip ceiling water. My dad contacted the homeowner, who assured us a plumber would check it out—the next day. That night, I tried to fall asleep and all I could hear was drip-drip-drip-drip. It gave me new sympathy for Chinese water torture victims. After putting in ear plugs, I dozed off, only to wake at 3 a.m. to the sight of my mom shining a cell phone flashlight up at my dad, a concerned look on her face, as my dad stood on a ladder, trying to disconnect wet wires to stop the blare of the hardwired smoke detector (and trying not to get electrocuted). I had heard nothing. And, as a mom, you can imagine what a wonderful revelation that was. I guess ear plugs really do block out noise!  Anyhow, seriously stupid way to start vacation. Thankfully, that was the only drama worth mentioning … other than getting caught in a wicked hailstorm while hiking along an abandoned railroad track in the middle of nowhere. Lessons learned there? It hurts like a son of a B to get hit with flying ice balls. And it’s really scary when multiple waves of rain and hail come through and you don’t know when it will end, and you just want to protect your kids so that they don’t get hurt or have PTSD about hiking or hailstorms. We were all shivering, we were trying to protect our heads after a massive ice chunk broke my sunglasses and another chunk cut open my niece April’s knuckle—that hail meant business—we were trying to calm Ben, who was hysterical, and wondering if Adam was in a state of shock, since our anxious Weather Worrier was completely silent. My brother Shawn was the hero that day, finding shelter for us. The boys were so impressed with Shawn’s survival skills, Ben made a bravery certificate for him once we were back in the house. I have never been at the mercy of Mother Nature like that, feeling so vulnerable while exposed to the elements (and her wrath). It made me appreciate the Boy Scouts and their motto even more: Be Prepared.

We packed a lot into a few days: Mount Rushmore, drove through the Badlands, saw a Wild Bill re-enacted shooting in Deadwood, traveled along Needles Highway, explored Devil’s Tower, and checked out Spearfish Canyon. I’ve been to/through SoDak three times now, but this was the first time I realized how beautiful it is. I mean, the Badlands speak for themselves, but I was blown away by Spearfish Canyon and Needles Highway. We spent a lot of time on the road. I’m really grateful that our kids travel so well. I hope the kids have (mostly) good memories. It was a lot of together time and a lot of fun.   

In November, I joined up with my college girls in Madison, where Friday night $1.50 vodka soda drink specials at the hotel bar led to a VERY rough Saturday morning/afternoon at the Badgers game. (I was pretty animated Friday night and not much of a conversationalist Saturday morning, that’s for sure.) I really love my college friends. Even with a select few personality conflicts, I respect what everyone brings to the table. We became friends as clueless 18-year-olds, trying to “find” our place in the world (declaring majors/minors, dating, concerts, house parties, living on our own for the first time), then grew together as we landed “real” jobs, got married, had kids (or chose not to), acquired mortgages, refined hobbies, grew stronger in faith (or chose not to), voted one way or another, and realized what’s important in life (note to younger self: There’s so much more to life than the address of the next basement kegger). We genuinely enjoy one another’s company, which is kind of crazy when the only common bond we all had was getting randomly placed in the same dorm our freshman year.

6. What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked in 2019?
Confidence

7. What dates from 2019 will remain etched upon your memory?

My fabulous and fun SIL Trish turned 50 and had a big party. She brings so much joy to the family. Gotta celebrate EVERY. SINGLE. BIRTHDAY. 

8. What were your biggest achievements of the year? 
Handling so much alone time in my own head (some days were better than others—just like any job), surviving summer break, finding freelance jobs

9. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Illness = Mexico; injury = nothing stands out

10. What was the best thing you bought?
YMCA membership (worth every penny)

11. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Aaron, for too many reasons to mention, and our boys. I am more in love than ever before.

My parents, too. This freelance lifestyle wouldn't be nearly as enjoyable without them.

12. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
 Duh. (For the record, Pip is just as annoyed as we are.)

13. Where did most of your money go?
Vacations, traveling basketball (Adam), traveling baseball (Ben), groceries, gifts, bills, bills, bills

14. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Our trip to Mexico + July Fourth (our GB friends were in Italy, so—for the first time in a long time—we stayed home over the Independence Day break. Actually, we stayed home but we didn’t stay home. We spent five days and four nights at our good friends’ house on the lake … we only left to pack more clothes and buy more beer) + family road trip to South Dakota/Wyoming 

15. What song will always remind you of 2019?
“Cover Me Up” by Jason Isbell, “Truth Hurts” by Lizzo, and “Old Town Road” by Lil Nas X.

16. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?

a) Happier 
b) Who cares? I’m happier.
c) Richer, but only because I was unemployed at this time last year

17. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Really connecting with the boys. I wish we had our own “thing,” but maybe that will come with time. Thanks to my insistence, we all went to a high school play this fall. The boys really liked it, so I’m gonna keep on pushing theater … and I LOVE when we all sit on the couch and read together.

Sometimes I feel a little left out when Aaron and the boys are talking/watching/playing sports. (I’ve been known to join a backyard football game or two, but I can’t hang like they do.)

18. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Meals on the fly. Why is meal prepping so hard?! 

19. How did you spend Christmas?
This season was just as nuts as ever. We celebrated five times in six days, hosting three of those parties. It would have been six, but one of our extended family parties was canceled due to freezing rain. I won’t complain, though. Whenever I started to feel grumpy about go-go-going, I reminded myself of the people who have no one to celebrate with. I’d take this “problem” any day.  

Our annual girls’ Christmas party included tears and hugs, but I was so happy that K and her family still came, even though I’m sure it was hard for her to be in a party-like mood so soon after her mom died, it also included an intense game of Capture the Flag (a ping pong table may have been used as a ladder and may have collapsed under the weight of the masterminds ... thankfully no one was hurt), and a gift exchange among the kids • our Christmas Eve party included meatball subs, dogs, more ping pong, and a rowdy game of 6-5-4 that Ben won! (Should we be encouraging gambling at this age? Oh well. Too late now.) • our Christmas morning included a lesson in being grateful for the gifts you receive, especially when so many have so little • our Christmas day/evening included ham and cheesy hashbrowns and homemade pie and a dice game and a hilarious karaoke performance and a haunted house, complete with props (this tradition began last year, and the kids LOVE it) and lots of good conversations with Aaron’s family ... we don’t get together as often as we should • another friends’ gathering—this time with Aaron’s high school friends + spouses—included games, pizza, beer, wine and lots of catching up • and an extended family celebration included a fun dice game and hyper, sugared-up kids and that one relative who always over-indulges and that other grumpy/sheltered/overly-noise-sensitive relative who complains about how loud it is (we all talk over one another ... isn't that kinda normal?) and upbeat holiday tunes and way too much food and genuine joy, laughter and a deep appreciation for those who could be there and missing those who couldn’t. As with every Christmas, it was all over in the blink of an eye, just garbage bags stuffed full of wrapping paper and dirty dishes in the sink and empty wine bottles and beer cans and discarded boxes left behind as a reminder of the fun.

 

20. What was your favorite TV program?
Fleabag! (We also watched a lot of American Idol, Big Bang and Last Man Standing.) I keep hearing about The Morning Show and Killing Eve, so would like to check those out in 2020.

22. What was the best book you read?

Harry Potter (Adam is really hooked, so I’ve started reading the series).

23. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Jason Isbell

24. What did you want and get?
Paid writing gigs    

25. What did you want and not get?
An energizing social atmosphere 

26. What was your favorite film of this year?
I saw Hustlers and Frozen II in the theater (my nephew Brayden is OBSESSED).
Two movies in one year?!? Might be a new record. 

27. What did you do on your birthday in 2019?
In my opinion, my birthday is not about ME as much as an excuse to get together with loved ones. I don’t want to be the center of attention and I certainly don’t need gifts, but I love it when my friends and family collide and enjoy a fun night together. Last year, we celebrated at Stella’s in Forest Lake—burgers, beer, and darts, oh my!—and then I had dinner with my string sisters on a separate evening in Stillwater. We’re not guaranteed tomorrow, so as long as I’m here and I’m healthy, I want to acknowledge every trip around the sun.

28. What one [or three] thing[s] would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Measurably more satisfying? How about

Common sense in the White House

Common sense in the White House

Common sense in the White House
  
29. What kept you sane?
The beautiful distraction of WRITING! I feel productive when I’m writing, I feel purposeful, I feel challenged and valued and freeeeeee    

30. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Greta Thunberg

31. What political issue stirred you the most?
Climate change, gun violence, womens’ rights, ethics in politics (how many times did we hear “quid pro quo” this past year? Yeah, WE GOT IT.)

32. Who did you miss?
I’m changing this to WHAT did I miss? Having close friends at work. And I miss Tonya. And my grandma.

33. Who was the best new person you met?
I love so many of the parents I’ve met through the kids. 

34. What are you looking forward to in 2020?
More basketball and baseball tournaments, going to Arizona for spring break, possibly getting a dog (?!?), returning to Crivitz in July (booya!), biking with the boys, more fun times with friends and family. 

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2019: 

“Strange is our situation here upon earth. Each of us comes for a short visit, not knowing why, yet sometimes seeming to a divine purpose. From the standpoint of daily life, however, there is one thing we do know: That we are here for the sake of each other—above all for those upon whose smile and well-being our own happiness depends, for the countless unknown souls with whose fate we are connected by a bond of sympathy. Many times a day, I realize how much my outer and inner life is built upon the labors of people, both living and dead, and how earnestly I must exert myself in order to give in return as much as I have received and am still receiving.”

~ Albert Einstein