Thursday, May 3, 2012

Friends, some day

I know a lot of parents say this, possibly to the point of it sounding cliché, but it’s so, so true … so I’m going to repeat it. When you fall deeply in love with your firstborn, you wonder if you’ll be able to love another child with that same intensity.
I wondered if my relationship, my bond, my connection with Ben would be totally different than how I feel about Adam.
I wondered, “Will there be enough of me to go around?”
I wondered if Adam would resent Ben (he did), if he would be jealous (he was), if he would understand why he had to "share" me (he didn't). 
It was hard, at first, feeling like I wasn’t paying enough attention to the little boy who taught me how to be a mom, feeling like I was choosing Ben over Adam when I had to feed Ben, change him, suddenly drop whatever I was doing to save him from sudden disaster (I have done my fair share of "saving" over these past two years, that's for sure!). I felt like I was somehow abandoning my beautiful little blond-eyed buddy. I worried that he’d think I was “replacing” him. I wondered if he would ever begin to see his little brother as a playmate, a friend, a constant companion rather than a nuisance and a burden. 
Gradually (definitely not all at once), we have become a tight-knit family of four. My heart swells when I see those rare moments when the boys play together, laugh together, even fight (is it bad to laugh when they're both so upset?) … I hope these moments are the start of a life-long bond, the kind of bond you can only share with a sibling. I hope Ben is the best man in Adam’s wedding one day; and vice versa. 
They’re as different as night and day, yet they both wholeheartedly have my love. And some day I hope they wholeheartedly have each other's love, too.